“why do you hate women so much? it’s ugly.”

I hate women because they are all terrible, disgusting, malicious, childish semi-humans who embarrass me. Every time I look down at my vagina, I fill with this strange, implacable rage that makes me want to tear angrily at my own skin until I am no longer a discernible gender and can no longer be associated with this group of people I so deeply despise.

There. Are you tards happy now? Hope so.

Okay, seriously, I feel like I am going to deal with this slack-jawed drool puddle of a question until the end of time—it is my stone to forever push up the hill. So, for your over-simplified pleasure, here’s my answer:

As simply as I can put it, I don’t hate women. I love my mom, my sister, my best friends, and the billions of other women who are totally cool and seem fine by me. Men, women, hermaphrodites, Avatars, vampires, zombies—they’re all cool in my book until proven otherwise.

That said, women—like every other group in the world—can do some funny, silly shit sometimes and I don’t hesitate to make fun of it. Just as I will write articles that poke fun at men, I will take great pleasure in pointing out that it’s the ladies who “writeee likeee thissss” on their status updates. And thousands of people who shared that article (and others like it) are capable of agreeing, and not taking shit too seriously.

I know that for some of you, women should be a sacred topic to never get made fun of, but that is ridiculous and never going to happen. So if that offends you, you are going to be permanently offended by me.

And yep, I think a lot of modern manifestations of “feminism” are counterintuitive, serve to alienate women, too aggressive, almost self-parody, and absolutely incapable of picking a battle if their lives depended on it. I’m not ashamed to say it. When I watch a bunch of feminists arguing back and forth on blogs and Tumblrs about correct word usage and how the movie Sucker Punch is a piece of mysoginist evil (instead of just being a shitty movie), all I can think of is female genital mutilation and the atrocities against women in the Congo, and how discussing our underrepresentation on Two and a Half Men is somehow a more important point in the global women’s movement to be addressing. (Sure, let’s eliminate the word “mademoiselle” from the lexicon—as though that were even possible—and completely ignore the staggering amount of countries where women don’t even have the vote and are getting stoned to death, that’s how we should be using our faculties!)

So yeah, I don’t get down with a lot of modern feminism, and I’m not afraid of making fun of women or pointing out when shit they do in general is funny. I don’t think women are special safe zones in humor or criticism, and I’m not going to censor myself to pretend like I don’t notice that women do funny shit in bathrooms at clubs. And though I know that the easy way out would be to pander and write a bunch of meaningless “YOU GO GIRL” stuff and talk about how oppressed I am (and don’t think that the few very “women-positive” posts I have aren’t getting hella notes—see my post on abortion) I’m not going to feed into the other stuff I don’t believe in just to get Tumblr approval (the lowest form of currency, besides possibly the Soviet Ruble).

And when idiots pull the gender card and wantonly accusing me of just hating women, it only serves to show that for some women, there is a special treatment expected. We are not to be criticised, we are not to be judged, we are not going to be made fun of. And if you transgress this, we will just slap a “Woman-Hater” label on you and call it a day.

Well fuck you, fuck your lazy argument, and fuck your overwhelming inability to laugh at yourself. It’s ugly.