Chelsea Fagan's Blog

25. NYC. Works at Thought Catalog. First book, I'm Only Here For The Wifi, available now where all fine literature is sold.

1. Katy Perry

Record of the Year, Best Pop Solo Performance, PERFORMER

Chelsea Fagan: As Katy Perry is (a) just getting on the divorce train, and (b) 70 percent complete in her full-body transition into a wax statue, it seems like she’s at her most attainable. She’s probably feeling pretty down about herself and looking for a shoulder to leak tear-like fluid onto. We can sit here and debate all day about whether or not she’s actually a human — I’m on the fence — but she’s definitely attainable. She sort of reminds me of those Real Dolls that guys keep in their basements and fall in love with, in a way. And of course, if you can keep her in dresses with the texture and color scheme of condoms, all the better.

Rembert Browne: So, before the Grammys, I would have completely agreed, because I felt as if she was attainable even before the breakup with Mr. Brand. When I see a fembot with someone as silly-looking as Russell Brand, it sends messages to my synapses, screaming “As long as you don’t say anything stupid, get the random bits of food out of your mustache, and tell her that you’re Kid Cudi, this will be a piece of cake.” But then I saw her walk down the red carpet and I quickly changed my tone. But then, just as I was starting to think she was unattainable, she got onstage and underwhelmed America, solidifying her status as not-Beyonce/Adele/Rihanna/Gaga/Swift/Underwood and as a permanent fixture on the attainable train.

VERDICT: *Attainable*

—Rembert Browne and I rated the attainability of various Grammy nominees over at Grantland.